I Know Love Exists... :)

As I sit here tonight, I can't help but to smile. I'm smiling because even after everything I've been through, I know love exists. That's right people, love exists!
Love exists in my children. In the way that they run to give me a hug when I pick them up after a long day at work. In the way they try to help around the house. Love exists!
Tonight, we got a new puppy... Her name is Charli. That's right, Charli... No "e" because she's a girl. She's a lab mix, my boyfriend's sister gave her to me. And she's so sweet. The first thing Micheal did was pick her up and immediately tell her that her name was Charli. Yes, he named yet another dog, and it stuck because Kyle began to call her that too and it grew on me. The next thing he did was say "I love you Charli." My little boy loves our new dog. Love does exist.
Another way that I know love exists: When I moved back to town and immediately fell into a pattern of old mistakes, I did a sorry job of getting out of that pattern, I went into another bad pattern. I came back to my sister's house one day after work and immediately grabbed a drink. I then proceeded to make myself into an idiot. This guy I knew stopped to pick on my sister, and I went out and insisted that he pull his truck over and come talk to me because I hadn't seen him since he was little. He stayed half the night and talked to me. The next night, he came back (although I will never understand why). The night after that, which was quite possibly the worst that week, he came back again and I realized this was probably one of the nicest guys I knew and he would make a pretty good friend.
Fast forward to a week later- I was still in a bad pattern of mistakes... Still drinking, but not as much. He continued to come by every night, and I continued to enjoy hanging out with my new found friend. I kissed him on the cheek that night when he left. And when he went to say something about it, I really kissed him.
The next day, I pretended that it had never happened. I didn't want to start a new relationship, and especially not with him... I kissed him goodbye again that night though, I just really liked those kisses.
One night I poured my heart out and explained to him that I didn't want anything other than what we were right then; friends that would kiss every now and then, but just friends. I told him that I wasn't the person that he needed in his life and gave him every reason in the world as to why he should leave and never come back. He kissed me that night and continued to come over every night.
After yet another night of me giving this wonderful man every reason in the world why I wasn't the person for him, he left, kissed me goodbye, and I sat crying in the living room sure that it had worked this time. My sister was sure that I was nuts for trying to make him run away and then crying when I thought it had worked. That night, I got the longest text I had ever seen on my phone. It basically said that he would always be there waiting until I was ready, he wasn't giving up on me. I started to let myself fall in love with him after that text, but refused to let him know it.
I would still test him by giving him new reasons every day as to why he should find someone else. We would go out to lunch and I would point out all the hot girls that he could be with... I would point out things I couldn't do because I had kids at home, and I would point out that there were all kinds of bad things about being with someone who had been married before. He never listened, but of course he always had a smart comeback for whatever I would say.
One day, I got tired of being referred to as the "friend" and told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend and make this an actual relationship or just call it off right now. He laughed at me and asked when I was going to realize that it already was a relationship... He knew he had opportunities elsewhere, but didn't take them because he knew he had something good with me.
We finally went on a date after that. We had dinner with his family too. Everything was great. I would look forward to seeing my boyfriend everyday. And of course, it was of no shock to anyone. The whole town, pretty much everyone but me, already knew we were dating. They had gotten used to seeing him stop by in the morning for coffee after he got off work, and seeing him there for dinner before he went in to work. They knew that I was the only person that rode on the back of his motorcycle. There was even a time when I was spotted running and jumping in the driver's seat to his truck and refusing to let him leave... He tried to grab me and I wrapped my arms and legs around him and buried my face into his chest. That was a really good day. Until a certain person drove by and told us to take it out of the street that is...
Shortly after that, I knew I was completely in love with him... But I have never been the one to admit that first. So one morning when he came by for coffee, I not so casually brought the subject up by hinting around. He finally looked at me and told me that he had been in love with me since our first kiss, and even more so when I decided that he and I were actually dating.
Love does exist, and I am so happy to realize that it does.

Please Excuse The Mess...

Geesh... I'm trying desperately to get my house back in order today. I can remember a time when nothing would ever be out of place. Micheal was not mobile yet... LOL And I was a stay at home mom. I didn't have much to do... And then, he started crawling and pulling himself up. It was okay, he still wasn't that bad. I adjusted. Then he was walking and running, and making bigger messes... I adjusted. Then Kyle was born. I was exhausted from taking care of a newborn and running after a two year old. I eventually adjusted... Then Kyle mobilized... I adjusted, yet again. I went back to work... I was exhausted from work, running after a two year old and 8 month old, but I adjusted. AGAIN!
Now that it is just me, full time, with a two year old and four year old, working full time, and going to school, while still trying to have a life, I am unsure of how to adjust. I'm exhausted, and having a perfect house and yard is no longer of any importance to me... I feel that it should be okay to simply say "Please excuse the mess." and leave it at that. But that just wouldn't work, now would it?

Depressed...

So, I am looking at pictures today and can't help but to wonder why? Why didn't he ever follow through on those plans with me? Why her? Why did he do all the things he did???
I can say it doesn't matter, it's all in the past, but in reality, it does matter. Why was I never good enough?
I don't want to be with him... I don't want him within a thousand miles of me actually, which is why the current situation works so well, but I just feel like I need at least a half-decent answer to these questions.

Another Day...

Well people, I survived and came to work another day...
I was so proud yesterday that I got all of my bills paid, and then I remembered that I have a dentist appointment tomorrow... It's going to cost me about $250. Needless to say, I don't have that much left in my account. I have enough to pay daycare next week and to get gas to come to work... Maybe enough for food. After that, nothing. I have no clue what I am going to do... I am so frustrated with myself right now... I have never done this before.
I wish that Gary would start actually paying his back child support. I need that money right now.
Frustrations of being a single mom and on the edge not knowing when you are no longer employed in Southwest GA... Yay...

Don't Let Him See You Cry

I'm posting this because it seems to be what I feel lately... I love Steven, but I am so scared to let him see it and so scared to show any emotion at all in from of him... I think after what Gary put me through for so long it's just going to take some time, but still. Anyhow, here goes...

Don't Let Him See You Cry
By: Alicia Lee Canington

Keep you voice steady,
Keep your breathing right,
Whatever you do,
Don't look him in the eye.
Whatever you do,
Don't let him see you cry.
Don't let him know,
Don't let him see,
He cannot know,
It's him you need.
So keep your voice steady,
Keep your breathing right,
And whatever you do,
Don't look him in the eye.
Whatever you do,
Don't let him see you cry.
Never let him see you cry.