Why?

Why does it seem like whenever I am really trying to get things together that's when it blows up in my face?
I'm so frustrated today... I have an offer in on the most beautiful house, HAD a preapproval from my bank for the mortgage, but now, nothing. I've contacted a federal agency that I refer my clients to, but who knows if I qualify since I have a job and actually try to do the right thing. I've never been on government assistance and don't want to start, but I'm about to start rethinking it all. I'm just so frustrated.
My preapproval was taken away because upon further investigation my job that I have now is not related to my previous position. I knew this and was upfront about it. I never lied. Now I'm worried that I won't be able to get a loan on my house and I really don't want to have to rent for the next two years to build up work history. I'll never be able to save money that way...
Well, I'll talk to you all soon.

Wow... It's been a while!

Sorry it's been a while everyone. I just got on and realized that it has quite literally been forever since the last time I posted.
A lot has happened in the last month and a half. I of course moved to Georgia, I have a wonderful job at the Neighborhood Center in the town I grew up in, and my divorce is final. That's all the big news... There are lots of little things that are happening and that have already happened. I won't go into everything right now, but I will say that I am happy. For the first time in a really long time I am happy to wake up in the mornings. Happy to see my kids, happy to go to work, and happy to go back home at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job in Indiana, and I was quite happy there, but at the end of the day I only had my job and my kids to be happy about and a whole bunch to be unhappy about, it just would never have worked...
Well, I am going to get back to work now, I will talk to you all soon, I promise...

11 Days...

I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow afternoon and, if all goes well, I will be signing papers by the end of the week... I'm so excited, I just can't wait to have this all over with...
It's my last week at work... I'm very sad about that. I love my job and I hate leaving. I love the people there... Even if some of them get on my nerves at times. I wish I could pack my job up and bring it with me.
I packed three huge suitcases yesterday. The worst part of that is that it was only maybe half of my clothes... That's scary. I plan to have a yardsale and scale down quite a bit once I get down there...
Well, time to go for now... Talk to you soon.

12 Days...

12 days until I'm back in Georgia... Seems so near and so far at the same time. Luckily, I have work this week to keep me somewhat preoccupied, but that's not really true because I've given my entire workload out to my assistants and I'm really only playing supervisor and putting out fires as they come along.
Yesterday, to pass the time, I threw out a ton of things that I'll have no use for anymore... Today, I'm going to pack some things. I figure if I pack today and a little every evening this week, it should make things a lot easier for the move.
I'm trying to make a checklist now of different things to make sure I get done... Like getting the boys' medical records, Micheal's school records, Mack's medical records, and goodness knows what else.
Well, I'm going to get going for now... Talk to you all soon.

Rough day...

We came to an agreement on child support today. I have to say that it hurt me to the core... $45 a week. That's $22.50 per kid, $180 a month, and a whole $2,340 a year... I lost my mind and called Gary to scream at him when I first got that email, but while on the phone I realized that, hey, this is what I want, I don't need him or his money to take care of me and my children, this is my out. So, I'm taking it, this way he can say that his piddly little $45 a week is supporting his children and I can simply be out of the trauma that I have experienced with him...
Well, I'm gonna go. I'm really excited about knowing that I will be back home in two weeks, but I am exhausted today...

Holding it together...

There seem to be days lately where I am just holding it together and not much else. Yesterday was one of those days... I went to my parenting class, which is basically a $50 joke designed to make parents feel bad about getting a divorce, then they turn around and tell you that everything will be okay. I was surrounded by people talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and future plans for marraige and all I could think was "HELLOOOOOO... Have you lost your minds? You're in a divorce seminar! Didn't you learn your lesson the first time? Why don't you at least give yourself some time to heal and process? At least for your kids..." And I did say something to that affect once which had the teacher proud of me and the rest of the people attending the seminar quite unhappy...
Back to the holding it together thing. After I got home from this thing, I ate some lunch and talked to the neighbor for a bit. Then Gary came back early. He wanted to talk about his therapy session and "us". There are many times that I want to scream that there is no "us" we're getting divorced. But I didn't, I tried to listen... Then I walked out. After so many years of being mistreated, all I can hear when he talks "Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie..." and I grow very tired of listening to it.
Well, I've gotta run now, talk to you all soon...

Working out...

Okay, so I'll admit it, I let myself get out of shape... Way out of shape. I have at times been a size zero, but the norm was a two... After Micheal, I was somewhere between a two and a four, depending on the cut of the jeans. After Kyle, it was a four, the two just was not happening. I stayed a four up until about a year and a half ago, maybe not that long... The fours started getting tight, I dealt with it, just sucked my gut in and kept going. Well, that stopped working... I broke down and bought two pairs of size six pants. I've been living in those, and I'm not very proud of it. See, in all reality, a six is still small, but to be as short as I am, a six looks big to me. I'm not happy when I look in the mirror right now... So, I decided to do what I can to improve that. On top of tanning, I'm going to start working out... And I'm going to try to diet. Try is the key word there because food just looks so good. And with the divorce right now and being low on cash, I'm just always willing to take what's given to me which isn't necessarily the healthiest options.
My goal is to be back in a four, and be fit, by summer so that I can wear one of my old bikinis. Who knows, I may try for a two... A two would be very nice.

Boring and uneventful...

That pretty much describes my day... Nothing happened at work. Kaylynn and I pretty much counted down the hours today until it was time to leave. It's funny how the last hour, we go back and forth with the exact minutes until time to go on instant messenger. That's how boring the end of the day is...
Kaylynn did, however, clue me in on the best tanning salon I've ever been to today. We went after work and it was so nice to just lay in a tanning bed and relax. Unfortunately, the clock went off and I had to get out... But there's always tomorrow, and everyday until I leave for Georgia. :)
Talk to you all later...

I went shopping...

I forgot to post yesterday that I went shopping... I couldn't afford to buy a lot, but it was nice to be able to shop for myself without having to worry about someone breathing down my neck about it when I got back to the house. I even saw a few things for my new place that I'm thinking of buying... Since Micheal was born, I haven't been able to do this because I always had to listen to how we can't afford it. It was nice to be able to make that decision for myself for once, and it's not like I went hog wild, I bought an outfit and a purse and did a lot of window shopping...
My next purchase will be bedding for myself in my new place and decor. I'm fairly excited. I also get to buy furniture... This will be the first time I've ever bought furniture, Gary did all of that before...
Well, talk to you all later...

Baby's Gotten Good At Goodbye...

It's funny how that song seems to fit me lately. I have no tears left... I'm beginning to really look forward to leaving. I know I'll miss him eventually and I'll have times that I cry, but I can't right now.
Well, I'm getting ready for my Desperate Housewives. Talk to you all later...

Ugh...

He's coming back home tonight. I put a pillow and blanket out on the couch for him. He's taking the boys to church tomorrow and then to his parents house. I'll have the day to go through my things and try to get rid of stuff... I hate doing that.
As of right now, it's looking like I'll leave on the 19th of February. I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends, family, and neighbors. Everyone is really coming together and helping me out so much. I love and cherish all of you.
Well, I've gotta go... Good night people.

And now...

So now that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer, and I'm finally beginning to get some sleep, Gary has started calling me at all hours of the night to tell me what else he wants to add in to the divorce papers. Grandparents visitation. Yeah, he doesn't have to pay child support, he still gets visitation, and he expects me to give grandparents visitation as well? He's lost his mind!!! He lost his battle already on forcing me to seek counseling for the things that he has done to me in the past 5 years, my lawyer and his told him there was no way on that...
I'm so irritated... I would just be getting to sleep when the phone would ring last night. Inevitably, there would be one that I had forgotten to turn the ringer off on...
On another note, I've already done my change of address, I've gotten a new phone with a Georgia number, I've updated my resume, and I'm about to start applying for jobs...
Talk at you all later...

Blah...

I want to say that I'm hurt, but I'm not feeling that anymore... I don't know what I'm feeling. Gary and I will now be signing our papers next week as soon as our attorneys can get them together. It came down to me taking nothing but the kids and our clothes, their toys, and the tv in our bedroom and going to Georgia and Gary keeping everything and not having to pay child support. And he'll still get to see them. That's what he wanted and I'm willing to do it just to get away...
Well, I've gotta go, I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted...

Ugh...

I'm so sick... I've got antibiotics and they seem to be working on the infection part of the sickness, but apparently I had a double dose of something because I still feel like crap. My head hurts, I'm stopped up, can't stop sneezing, and I just want to sleep all the time. Of course, all of you know that this isn't a possibility, especially with what's happening tomorrow.
Man, I can't believe things are moving so fast. I keep waiting for that speed bump that life always throws at me... I know it's going to happen sooner or later.
Moving back... This is something I always wanted to do, but never pictured it happening quite like this. It's definitely an adventure. I'm almost in shock.
Well peeps, I've gotta get running. Talk atcha later.

Friday...

We sign our papers on Friday. I'm terrified and excited, I'm starting a whole new chapter of my life... I will be moving back to Georgia.
I don't have much else for now.

Fast...

My life is suddenly taking so many turns, so very fast.
Gary has decided to get help, but I can't wonder right now if it's not too late. I'm not going to post on here for the world to see everything that has happened. I'll tell you that he has killed almost everything inside of me. When I am around him, I feel nothing but fear. I put up a wall, not on purpose, but it's still there, and I can't be happy or sad, only fearful and angry. I know that's not healthy.
We've decided together that my moving to Georgia is what's best for all of us; myself, the boys, and him. I can't be near him... It gets worse with each passing day and I'm afraid of shutting down altogether.
I need to get going. I'm on a countdown to Georgia (27 days) and I have to go to work today and talk to my boss. Talk to you all soon.

I told him...

I told him tonight that I was done. I've given up trying and I want a divorce. I still love him, just not enough... I can't do it anymore.
Sorry, no more for tonight.

Another day...

I don't know that much has changed since yesterday... I finally got my office set up somewhat the way I want it. Yay to finally having my own office, at least part time it's all mine, and part time I share it, until they convince him to go to a cubicle that is...
I am an iTunes idiot. I can't get it to play more than one song unless the songs have a little check mark next to them. I am trying to start using it so that I can sync my ipod at the same time and all that good stuff... I'm starting to really miss Windows Media Player, it doesn't make me feel stupid.
Well, I'm going to end this blog early as I don't really have any news... Talk to you all later.

What he wants...

He wants to spend some time together this weekend. He should have tried to change sooner, before he drove me so far away. I can't even say that he's confusing me, because I'm still sure of what I want. I feel for him because I do still love him and I always will. This will never be about me not loving him, it's simply the fact that he does things that I cannot live with. The things he has done in the past few months and years will forever be present in my mind and although I may try to forgive him, I can't forget it, and I can't live life the way that I have been. I feel like I simply can't breathe sometimes when I begin to think about it all.
On to a different subject. I moved into my new office yesterday. I have so much space it's insane. They're talking about putting my office mate in a cubicle which means that I have too much space. I can't imagine having that entire room to myself. It's larger than the office that I shared with my boss and the girls that were working in my department for so long. I think I got so used to being in a cramped space that it's really wierding me out being so alone. Even after I got everything set up yesterday I pulled my chair out and sat at Kaylynn's desk yesterday. I think today I'll try setting up some music and just staying at my desk all day, or at least as long as possible.
Well, I've gotta run... Talk to you all soon.

So...

I talked to him last night. I didn't get to tell him everything, but I told him enough. I'm sure he knows by now that things are pretty much irreparable. I wish there were something I could do to change that, but there isn't, the damage has been done for quite some time now and we've just been chipping away at what's left, destroying it all in the process.
I have to go to work today, and more than likely she's going to be there. I hope she's arrested today. I really do... I can't take much more on my plate. Plus, the sooner she's arrested and prosecuted, hopefully the sooner I get my money back.
Well, I'm gonna get going... Gotta take the dog out and all that fun stuff.